Kerbing Aggressive Behaviour

The fact is that a certain amount of aggressive behaviour is necessary and when used in the right place actually healthy.  After all we’ve all been in situations in our career where we’ve had to aggressively pursue our goals, no successful person has passively achieved their goals.  We must teach our children that aggression used against another person is unacceptable but if we drain out our child’s natural aggression they won’t be able to take on any of the challenges that they will face in life.

Sadly yes, aggression and frustration don’t make happy bed-fellows.  It’s not uncommon that when parents become frustrated that aggression soon follows.  The problem is that aggression sadly produces the short term result that the parent is looking for (mostly in regards to get the child out of the house when they are late for something) but the long term damage that this produces can’t be overstated enough.  These are the same parents who will then complain that their children are shouting back at them and at other children.  The fact is that these parents are sowing the seeds of aggression and teaching their children that when mummy/daddy need to get what they want they will raise their voices.I’m speaking as someone who has been in that situation myself.

There is a reason that you are frustrated, often it will be due to a child not listening to your instructions.  But understand that aggression will not solve the root problem.  By shouting at the child all you are doing is cementing their position, they’ll learn to develop a higher tolerance for shouting.  Figure out what the problem is and change the approach.  When you, the parent change the input to the problem the outcome will change –  don’t expect a child to do this, you must take the lead.  If the child is not putting their shoes on in the morning, find a different way to ask them – yes I know they should listen to you, you know they should listen to you.

With younger children using a teddy bear to say, ‘okay teddy I’ll put your shoes on teddy today then’ or using a competition approach ‘Daddy’s going to get his shoes on first – I’m going to win today’ will yield better results than shouting at your child and blaming them for always making you late.

These parents will only acknowledge their contribution when they see child’s behaviour reflecting their own.

 Quite what you can do to help those parents is another debate, for the rational and sane parents though how can we undo any aggressive behaviour we have inadvertently taught our children?Firstly is to acknowledge mistakes happen, it’s fine, there’s no set syllabus for dealing with all the challenges that bring a child up hurls at us.  Many of us may be facing a child’s difficult behaviour for the first time, under the pressure of the situation any of us can snap.  Acknowledge it, mistakes happen to everyone.

Next let your child know that mistakes happen, even, brace yourself this is radical, apologise to your child, saying something along the lines of ‘Daddy’s sorry for raising his voice, it shouldn’t happen, daddy should never shout at you’.  Avoid turning it into a backhanded apology by adding in any of the ‘but you make me angry’ or ‘it’s because you didn’t listen to me’.  Before we appropriate blame let’s make it clear that we should never lower our standards to shouting or any other form of aggressive behaviour.  Let your child know that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable from anyone.  Make it clear that people don’t behave like this.

Once they understand this principle they are more than half way there to learning that they shouldn’t behave in this way and that if they do they’ve let themselves down.  To cement this, show them why shouting is ineffective and show them there are more efficient ways to get the things they want.

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Please share some comments and stories of how you have dealt with these situations and what solutions you have found to work better than others.   As ever thanks for reading, I hope some/any of this has been useful.  Farhan